Considering yourself a “fucked” person, you think, by default

Even though things are probably fine

Thinking it’s probably fine to consider yourself as “fucked”

Imagining being someone who is not fucked but just thinking of yourself again, and thinking that person is probably fucked

Imagining ways to feel more or less fucked and feeling unsure how to interpret the results

Imagining an expense report for the cost of your entire life up until the moment you submit the report

And how much that would be

What it would be like to even form an expectation about how much it would be

All tallied up

A meaningless number without any reference aside from your cumulative experiences in the world

Contrasting it with how much you’ve earned

Figuring out your billable hourly rate

Averaging it over time

Every hour

Washing a dish

Walking a dog

Drying something wet

Feeling incredibly embarrassed looking at a video someone posted to Facebook

Feeling incredibly embarrassed looking at Facebook

Feeling embarrassed from just looking, in a general sense

Just taking it all in

Eyes open

Asking yourself why you would do that

Thinking you can’t explain it

Accepting that you just would

Or did, have done

Eyes looking at themselves in a mirror

Looking at a clock and averaging it over time

Every day

Submitting a timecard after you figured out your hourly rate

Getting [some amount of money] for [some amount of time] looking at Facebook

Looking at the check for [some amount of money after taxes]

Feeling embarrassed for looking

Looking anyway

Thinking about submitting the next time card

Thinking about submitting, just, to whatever

Just submit

Walking through a shop and seeing a comb over

Walking down a street and thinking about a comb over

Thinking, “Would I comb over? Should I start thinking about that?”

Seeing two people appear to be both ugly and happy and feeling worried

Looking to the receipt you’re given at the end of your life as justification

Sitting in Heaven in a cafe with your spreadsheet and counting your previous life’s coffee cups

Thinking, “Oh wow, that’s a lot of coffee”

Thinking how you  mean, like, all at once – if you had all those coffees, it would be very hard to concentrate on anything other than the feeling of having had an extraordinary amount of coffee

Asking the barista for a coffee

“Just the one,” you joke

Feeling embarrassed realising that that wasn't a joke

Saying, “No, I mean…Just one”

Because you only want one

And the barista saying,  “I know”

Thinking, “I don’t know anything”

Remembering that there’s that scene in Gilmore Girls where Lorelai goes to a new coffee place and says, “Coffee coffee coffee”

And the barista gives her three coffees

Because she said, “Coffee coffee coffee”

Thinking about telling the barista about that scene

Thinking maybe she knows it already

Realizing you don’t know what your own opinion about that scene is

Tallying yourself up

Walking while holding coffee while thinking, “Coffee coffee coffee”

While thinking, “While thinking, ‘Coffee coffee coffee’ while thinking ‘coffee coffee coffee’ while thinking ‘coffee coffee coffee’”

Feeling like a barista in your own brain...pouring thoughts into your skull...or...something...maybe

Or maybe not

Yeah, maybe not

Acknowledging that you feel like total shit every single minute of your life

Thinking it's good to acknowledge that

Thinking it's probably bad though in a normal way

A way that feels intuitive

The only way, maybe

But thinking that's dumb and so it's probably better to think feeling like shit every minute of your life is good or something

Not really knowing anything

Accepting that

Accepting anything

Thinking maybe you mean everything but becoming worried that there are some things you don’t think you want to accept

Taking all three coffees unwillingly

Thinking this doesn’t seem like a joke

Wondering how many people died from drowning in coffee

Feeling indignant that it has to be a bucket of coffee as opposed to, like, a vat or something, or from just drinking out of a cup wrong

Trying to drown yourself with coffee out of your cup

Trying to drown the wrong/easy(?) way

But not really trying that hard

Walking out of the cafe without the coffee and the coffee sits there forever, because in Heaven no one takes someone else’s coffee, and the staff don’t dispose of it, because there’s no waste in Heaven

Feeling that Heaven is a waste

But feeling unsure what is being wasted, exactly

But feeling like it’s probably fine

Feeling like maybe everything/anything (pick one) is fine

Looking at the spreadsheet and thinking you had more sex than that

Thinking that seems like a small number

Saying, “Hey Peter! This number, you sure it’s correct?”

Peter saying he’ll check, but the numbers are usually correct

Meaning sometimes they’re incorrect

Waiting while Peter types into his MacBook

Thinking it’s funny that Peter types everything with just a single finger

Tap

Tap

Tap

Tap tap

Tap

Tap tap

Click

Yes

Saying, “Oh. You sure? ”

Yes

Oh

Folding the spreadsheet and tucking it into your robe

Feeling your body touching the inside of the robe

Feeling disappointed your penis isn’t suddenly longer in Heaven

Feeling upset that you have to wear a robe

Feeling upset that you’re upset

Watching a rolled sock fall out of your robe

Feeling like a rolled sock falling out of a robe

Feeling like the foot that used to be in the sock

Feeling whatever “coffee coffee coffee” feels like

Or something

Realizing Heaven sucks

But accepting it’s cool because it’s Heaven

Realizing you could accept anything

And there’s spreadsheets

Wondering whether this is manageable, if this was how things would be, in an unchanging way

Sucking on your cheek and thinking about it always being there

A mouth full of mouth

Chewing on teeth

Looking at someone’s eyes

Peeing on someone's pee hole

Feeling “sucked ”  in a way that connotes feeling “fucked ” but still kind of different, like, along the same scale that sucking and fucking occupy re: sex stuff

Having to ask heaven to suck more gently

Hoping for an infinite, gentle suck

Almost always thinking about your penis somehow

Asking Peter about the suicide rate in Heaven

Waiting while Peter types into his MacBook

Continuing to think it’s funny that Peter types everything with just a single finger

Tap

Tap

Tap

Tap tap

Tap

Tap tap

Click

Thinking about how you’re pretty sure you saw Alexis Bledel once at a breakfast place in Seattle

Thinking about how she played Rory on Gilmore Girls

But you couldn’t be sure it was her

You let it go

You decided you didn’t really need to know if it was her or not

Let her live her life

Let her eat her breakfast

Let her drink her coffee

Coffee coffee coffee

St. Peter frowning at his MacBook

You poke Peter with a single finger

Peter saying, “Ow”

Poke

Peter saying, “Quit it”

Poke

There’s a red mark on Peter’s forehead

Feeling about the same size as a fingerprint on the forehead of an angel and wanting to be larger

Wondering if Alexis talks fast and says funny things like Rory does

Asking St. Peter to print off how many words Alexis said to you

Not waiting for a response

Worrying about the future

Asking Peter how many fingers you would need to have if you were going to count all the suicides in Heaven using your fingers

Imagining combing Alexis’ hair with your many-fingered hands and saying softly “When I die, I will grow another finger”

Then growing the finger

Nice and long

Coffee coffee coffee

Imagining a body made of fingers

Getting a tattoo of your wi-fi password

Forgetting what you were thinking about

Asking Alexis for advice over coffee

Not paying attention when she responds

But doing what she says anyway

Taking too long to respond to text messages

Spinning out off the highway

Not replying because it’s been too long since you should have replied

Losing friends this way

Losing your mind this way

Just...losing

Your friends saying how they expect this of you

Not feeling better about anything / everything

Your corpse clogging the drainage grate on Alexis’ street

They can’t get it out

So they chop it up and stomp on it a little bit

Hose everything down

Fingers bobbing in the ocean

St. Peter refusing to answer

Burning your tongue in Heaven

Haha what the fuck

Trying to drown yourself with coffee again

Trying to drown yourself for a cup of coffee, maybe, uh

T-shirt that says something about being grumpy without coffee

T-shirt that says something about killing yourself for a cup of coffee

Selling a million shirts

Killing yourself

Or just buying coffee

Whatever

Eating breakfast in bed

Sesame seeds in Alexis’ hair

Egg yolk on your undershirt

Looking at a  bra strap and spacing out briefly

Thinking she reminds you of someone else

Eating the sesame seeds you plucked from her hair

Thinking about how no one in Heaven gets horny anymore

Wondering if you were ever horny in Heaven

Thinking about all the time you have

Deciding to try spend that time slowly eating meals of sesame seeds one at a time

Learning to use chopsticks by eating food from the heads of angels

Feeling hungry and always eating

Drinking coffee and feeling normal

Looking for new ways to feel

Looking for new ways to do an infinite number of things that take time

Still having time at the end

Thinking,“End”in a way that feels like pausing

Watching a YouTube advert and thinking end

Walking back towards your friends

St. Peter holds up a finger

Asks you to hold on

Holding on

Holding on for dear life

Holding on for dear coffee

Holding onto dear Peter’s finger

Coffee coffee coffee

Two million shirts

Watching streaming media on a small screen and feeling suicidal

Hiding in the bathroom

Avocado stain on her diaphragm

Thinking about how she’s old school

Googling how to use a diaphragm

Googling how to spell “Lorelai”

Googling how to be a good person

Thinking about those plastic toys you had as a kid which you turned inside out and if you waited, they’d pop, or jump, or jump after popping

Thinking about doing that with a diaphragm

Thinking about doing that with the plastic toy

Remembering the hole in the middle

Thinking about filling the hole with avocado

Forgetting what you were doing

Almost always forgetting

Memorizing slogans

Sending emails to your dead parents

Feeling every emotion possible by sheer chance

Loving yourself in spite of *waves noncommittally*

Feeling bored in Heaven

Haha, shit

Asking Peter a question but not listening to your own voice

Hearing St. Peter say a number

You can’t make sense of it

It requires other numbers, which you can’t make sense of, either

Thinking that maybe it’s by design

Letting St. Peter shoo you away

Letting yourself move on

Going with the flow

Letting it happen

Being a part of it happening

Thinking that maybe it’s by design

Coffee coffee coffee

Strawberry stain on your   teeth

Holding Alexis Bledel and feeling her chew

Lifting your hand from the sheets and picking away sesame seeds one at a time

Looking out the window

Forgetting what you’re looking at

But looking at it anyway

Forgetting where you are

But being there anyway

Forgetting what you were doing

Pulling out by mistake

Blink and you’ll miss it

Haha is that from a Talking Heads song?

Alexis saying, “What”

Blink and you’ll miss it

No

Don’t you miss it

That’s it

Alexis Bledel saying, “What” again

Saying, “What”

Like you’re mocking her

“What, what, what”

She’s smiling

What?

“What what what”

She told you she likes it when you do shit like this

You’re pretty sure, at least

Sending “What” as a text and hearing her phone vibrate

She’s laughing

See, there you go

Thinking, “Good friends”

Thinking, “I hope”

Full-body chewing

Swallowing spit and crumbs and seeds

Turning up the TV

Feeling something concrete in the idea that “louder is better”

Dying several times while playing Mario and turning up the volume so you play better

Still dying, but louder

Holding your own hand

Asking Alexis if she wants a coffee

Hearing Alexis say “Just the one”

Laughing and then apologising for laughing

Saying, “I was joking”

Joking “Not really”

hah

Blink and you’ll miss it

And refusing to blink

Missing it anyway

Thinking, “Ok”

Getting the coffee

Then moving on

Infinitely moving on

Infinite blinks

Infinite moments skipped

Just gone

Feeling trapped in Heaven

Thinking that’s funny

Recognizing the low-level background murmur of self-loathing and doing the stupid bullshit that defines you  anyway

Being nothing but the culmination of stupid bullshit that only you, being the culmination of stupid bullshit, could/can/will do (pick one?)

Feeling bad without feeling like you know anything else

Having sex without feeling like you're having sex or something

Saying, “What” to Alexis Bledel over and over again

Telling her about your girlfriend

Saying, “She’s really loud”

Saying, “I mean better”

Thinking, “Same thing”

Thinking, “Feeling loud and/or better”

Feeling neither loud nor better

Hearing a bell as Alexis walks out of a coffee shop

Telling yourself about making love to your girlfriend

Feeling like it’s gross

Like in an objective sense

Feeling everything is gross in an objective sense

Thinking about holding your girlfriend while she chews

Rolling over crumbs and feeling them stick to your back

Swallowing whatever is in your mouth maybe 99% of the time there is something in your mouth

Swallowing again but still feeling hungry

Sniffing butter stains on your socks

Remembering Bill Gates chewing a sesame seed bagel

Feeling less depressed

But still feeling depressed

Thinking I am depressed as an act of acceptance

Feeling yourself dying

Slowly

Then fast

Feeling like it’s the same thing

Thinking that’s probably ok

Blinking and missing it

Feeling good about it

Feeling yourself shaking St. Peter’s hand

Shaking it the same way every day for an infinite number of days

Thinking it’s also kind of gross

Thinking about what makes something clammy

Or dry

A firm handshake with your penis

St. Peter blushing and smiling

No, just kidding

“What, what, what, what, what”

Being mean about it

But smiling

Remembering things

Wanting to die, like, in a way that feels ironic

Struggling with how everything feels ambiguous but thinking it's funny because it isn't really a struggle, just some normal fucking bullshit

Never wanting to do anything

But doing shit anyway

Playing with her hair

Licking your own teeth

Thinking, “Strawberry stains”

Finding maple syrup in her hair

Thinking about why she isn’t playing with your hair or teeth maybe

Thinking about putting maple syrup in your hair

Thinking about going bald

Thinking about breaking up with Bill Gates

Thinking about how he combed over his hair for a while

Thinking about going bald in Heaven

Combing it over every day

Infinitely combing it over

No one realising it’s a comb over because comb overs in Heaven are very convincing

No one in Heaven looks too closely at each other’s hair

Thinking, “People would look at my hair if I didn’t have a comb over”

Realising you’re feeling horny in Heaven while looking at Peter

Not because Peter makes you horny, but because the only time you get to talk about sex is with Peter

Asking Peter how many fingers you would have to lose if you were going to count on all your fingers how many times Peter had had sex

Trying to comb Alexis’ hair without any fingers and dropping the comb

Feeling an infinite wave of combed hair fall across your face as you bend over

Infinitely bending over

The infinite droop

Feeling nostalgic for bullshit

And doing a small burp that tastes like coffee

Coffee coffee coffee

Thinking it’s really boring that in Heaven they don’t let you keep your MacBook

Thinking about scrolling mindlessly through Facebook

The infinite scroll

Being friends with everyone in Heaven (on Facebook)

Looking at old blogs

Getting bored

Switching tabs

Going for a walk

Bringing your MacBook to a cafe

Looking at Facebook again

Typing “Fac” into your browser and hitting enter while looking at Facebook and seeing Facebook

Thinking it’d be nice if you could still poke Peter on Facebook

Going out to ask Steve Jobs to make you a MacBook but you can’t find him

Going out instead to ask Bill Gates to make you a MacBook but realizing he’s not dead yet, so you can’t find him

Thinking, “I wish Bill Gates was dead”

Trying to drink your coffee with no fingers

And no straws, because there’s no waste in Heaven

Feeling like it's funny because you feel like a waste of what everything is

Feeling like being part of the infinite waste

Being a part of the comb over

One hair out of infinity

Feeling pressed against the balding head of God

Or something

You don’t know

You always feel a little distracted

Blink and you’ll miss it

Walking and trying to make sure every step is exactly the same

Worrying about the steps not being the same and someone looking over at you and thinking, “Why does that person walk like that?

Thinking that they would think that “They’re probably terrible in bed”

Being in bed and being terrible

Being in a bed and feeling hopeless in that all the wrong things have become hard

Being in bed and feeling your foot push into a puddle of crumbs

Thinking your foot feels terrible

Feeling like a foot that feels terrible

Thinking about Alexis piling up plates in her bed

Taking a photo of the plates and posting them Facebook with the message # breakfastinbed

See that the cafe in heaven has liked your picture on Facebook of the plates in Alexis’ bed

Like the photograph of your coffee in the cafe, untouched by anyone else, and comment # coffeecoffeecoffee  #stillthere

Walking with steps which are not bad steps

Which is close enough to being good

Same thing

Saying, “I am good in bed” and hearing Peter say, “I know”

Looking at Alexis and saying, “I am good in bed” and hearing the bartender  say, “Yeah, I know”

Feeling smart that you asked Alexis to the bar so she wears a nice dress

Telling Alexis that she looks like a instagram photo

Taking a photo and putting the photo on Facebook

Feeling embarrassed because you can’t remember your login for Instagram

Accepting that just because you can’t remember your childhood pet’s name doesn’t mean you had an unhappy childhood

Thinking it was a dog

Thinking you’d remember if it was a cat

Thinking that yeah, it was probably a dog

Feeling like if it was a dog you’d remember its name

Asking for coffee at a bar and drinking it with a thin black straw

Thinking that maybe it was a cat, then

Having to suck really hard through the straw and thinking, “This sucks really hard”

Thinking that you are “this”

Looking over to Alexis and saying, “This sucks really hard” but she can’t hear you

Feeling embarrassed when she says, “What”

Saying, “Nothing”

Forgetting whether it was her or not

Realizing the song has changed and then attempting to calculate how much you paid for each song from the entry fee

Averaged over time

Less and less without an end

Drinking your coffee from the cup and then feeling the straw poke you in the eye and saying, “Ow” and hearing Alexis say, “What” and saying,  “This sucks really hard”

Accepting that you are always “this”

Accepting that you are always sucking really hard

Accepting 99% of what you suck...uh...like

Asking Peter for another drink and nodding as Peter says, “Coffee”

Wanting to stay at the bar longer so each song is cheaper

Thinking, This song is cheap

Watching Peter flirt with the barman but still paying full price for the coffee

Watching the barman give Peter (you) extra thin black straws

Wondering if the barman’s comb over ever dips in the drink

Finding it funny how bad you still feel after feeling bad for so long already

Squeezing someone’s knee under the bar

Thinking it doesn't matter anyway

Just letting her live her life

Thinking Peter should have given a bigger tip to say thank you for all of these straws

Thinking that a comb over probably tastes like gel

Realising you don’t know what gel tastes like

Probably like soap

Probably not much like soap

Wondering what soap tastes like

Stuck in the drainage gate

“This” as a soap scum motherfucker

Combed over in all ways

Drooping back down to earth

Stomping on soap bubbles from the overflow drain

Flirting with the barman who’s flirting with Alexis

Asking if they have maple syrup

Realizing Alexis doesn’t get the reference

Spending a long time washing your hands and thinking about who anyone ever really is in any concrete way

Not washing your hands in Heaven

Washing your hands in Heaven

Feeling like a part of the infinite soap scum on the surface of Heaven

Which doesn’t make any sense

But whatever

You can think about it later

Your brain feeling neatly combed over

Your brain feeling like an avocado stain filling the hole on an old plastic toy

Asking if they serve avocado

Just a side order

Thank you

Forgetting to pay

Forgetting you don’t have to pay

Going back and getting more coffee

Half-eating a scone

Wishing there were birds in Heaven

Feeling like a dead bird falling out of the sky

Part of the droop

Paying for the avocado and feeling surprised that you have to also pay for the coffee, even though you were being honest and you feel like that kind of behaviour should be encouraged

Leaving a good tip

Sneezing into a cloth napkin

Vaguely convincing yourself that you can actually change almost anything about your thoughts, feelings, personality, etc. simply by deciding to, and that it would work, but then thinking that's stupid before letting yourself try to do it earnestly

Never changing

So never feeling better

Waking up every day and feeling [something]

Trying to change the sheets

Looking through invoices

Reaching out to more established names in the community to source promotional blurbs for your suicide note

Saying, “What” no matter what

Missing your friends

Thinking about a greasy comb over

Feeling like it’s part of the [something]

Realising that if you cared enough to have a comb over, you would probably also use shampoo

Wondering if all soap tastes the same, even though they smell very different

Thinking vaguely about that being meaningful in a way you can't articulate

Thinking that the worst part about eating shit would be the texture

Wishing your friends were dead

Thinking about how you can’t believe you have to wake up tomorrow to shake Peter’s hand

Remembering that Bill Gates was your friend

Remembering other things

Kissing Alexis Bledel’s shoulder blades

Thinking, “Hey Rory” while looking at your spit pressed onto her skin

Alexis telling you about her time at college

Telling you about what she wanted vs.  what she ended up with

Feeling too embarrassed to ask Alexis where she went to college

Trying to google “Alexis Bledel college” on your mobile without Alexis seeing

Making a lot of typos

Saying, “Nothing, just looking at Facebook” as you lock your screen

Frowning at her until she smiles

Alexis Bledel breaking up with you in a way that feels obvious now

But not at the time

Maybe

Blinking so you’ll miss it

Then missing it

Feeling normal/fucked

Looking back on your life and thinking, “Haha”

Going for a walk

Wearing a robe

Shopping for breakfast supplies

Accidentally stealing some hair gel

Or maybe it was on purpose

Putting your finger through a bagel hole while waiting in line and thinking about how bagels would be better if they were perfect, flat discs

Thinking maybe angels are bagels

Feeling drunk in the hotel bathroom

Planning a trip to Seattle

Watching Windows ‘98 adverts  on the plane

Masturbating in the airplane bathroom

Asking Peter to tally up how many times you masturbated in an airplane bathroom

Telling Peter, “Just kidding”

Asking Peter if he wants to get some breakfast instead

Thinking,“Same thing, maybe”

Getting drunk while working on spreadsheets

Same thing, maybe

Jumping off a bridge

Same thing

Eating soap

Same thing

Drowning in coffee

Same thing

Acknowledging you’re probably fine

Imagining ripping yourself up like an expense report you don’t care about anymore because you’re friends with Bill Gates and he likes to pay for breakfast

Offering to buy the next breakfast knowing you won’t have to buy the next breakfast but not knowing if there will be another breakfast

Thinking of ordering three coffees

Thinking maybe your penis hasn’t grown in Heaven but that all the other penises have gotten smaller

Same thing

Asking Bill if you can use his MacBook

Asking your girlfriend  if she wants to have a shower

Feeling embarrassed and saying, “You don’t smell”

Alexis saying, “I know”

And not believing her

But it’s about something else

Saying, “You smell nice, I mean”

Saying you just want to be in the shower

Saying you find it easier when you’re in the shower

Feeling unsure what “it” is

Thinking about struggling to not towel off your head even if you didn’t wash your hair

Committing to at least always rinsing your hair so you can just always towel off your head

Forgetting you put those moments from your life into the book already and feeling unease  when you read it later

Holding your breath

Taking the plates to the kitchen

Thinking about Facebook

Thinking about the scene in Gilmore Girls  when Lorelai and Rory have a shower together

Thinking about having sex with a snowman

Thinking about licking the suds from your comb over in the shower

Thinking about how it tastes like soap

Wondering if  you know what soap tastes like

Thinking maybe  you don’t

Probably like gel, you think

Thinking about taking a shower with Bill Gates

Same thing

Rinsing off your diaphragm in the shower

Putting more maple syrup in your hair

Using her exfoliating coffee grounds and cocoa nib body scrub

Peeing in the shower, discreetly

Chopped up in the drainage grate

Walking your dogs on the freeway

Publishing a collection of poems about chainsaws

Getting a tattoo of a chainsaw without telling anyone

Arguing with Peter about coffee

Feeling embarrassed and saying something stupid

Tallying up all the time you spent saying something stupid

Seeing how much your idiocy was worth

Thinking, “That’s really stupid ”

Asking Peter how much coffee you’d be able to buy with that much money

Seeing him jiggle the cord on his MacBook

Scratching your ass in Heaven

Feeling combed over

Feeling the infinite droop

Drinking coffee in the dark

Scrubbing off your own skin and draining all your blood

No, just kidding

Using a gun

Haha

Feeling good about saying shit like that and making Bill Gates laugh

Peeing less discreetly and trying to determine if he’s cool with it

Borrowing Alexis Bledel’s robe in Heaven

Blowing your nose in an English muffin

Blowing out your brains with an English muffin

Blowing out your brains with three cups of extremely strong pour over coffee in a Seattle breakfast place while arguing with yourself about approaching Alexis Bledel

Deciding not to approach her

Approaching her anyway

Starting a life together

Blinking and missing it

Thinking about blinking

Thinking about missing it

Having sex with Bill Gates and showering off together

Reaching across the table to eat a fried potato wedge from Alexis Bledel’s plate

Licking the syrup from Bill Gates’ shoulder blades

Busting a nut deep in his ass hole [remove this line]

Looking into Alexis Bledel’s eyes from across the table

Regretting yourself, like, simply the idea of you

Regretting saying, “Hi” to her first

But not really regretting it

You’re not sure

Trying to figure it out

Thinking about blinking and feeling your eyeballs dry up

Not wanting to blink

Not wanting to miss it

Thinking that you are “it”

Starting to want to miss it, maybe

Remembering that story you read on Facebook about the person who was stung by a blue-ringed octopus and how they had to have people breath into their mouth to keep them alive, but no one shut their eyes for the 10 minutes it took for the ambulance to arrive and that although they survived, they were blind because the sun had burnt through their eyeballs and thinking all of this with your eyes drying out and worrying about octopuses and not even understanding how they can sting you, like, which part of an octopus is the stinger?

Asking Bill how a jellyfish can sting you and then apologising and saying, “Octopus” and then saying, “I think I mean octopus” and then saying, “Sorry” and then saying, “I think it has to be blue” and then waiting but nothing happens

Nothing ever happening

Being in love anyway

Spreading a jellyfish onto an English muffin

Blowing your brains out with a bottle of maple syrup

Same thing

Looking for someone in Heaven with sunglasses and a cane and hoping that they can teach you about blue-ringed octopuses

Giving them your coffee but they won’t take it

Following them and saying, “Coffee coffee coffee”

Feeling pretty certain that they went blind on a beach, even though it never said anything about a beach at all in the story

Thinking about octopuses in a park

Thinking about octopuses in a temperate forest

Thinking Sherlock Holmes would probably hear that story and assume it happened on a beach and feeling like Sherlock Holmes

Feeling like something other than a dumbass for a minute

Feeling good (for a minute)

Accepting this along with everything/anything else

Seeing Bill Gates’ tanlines and thinking that the person doing mouth to mouth resuscitation was probably getting sand everywhere and how sweaty their lips would have been

Using your arm to wipe off the sweat from your lips before smiling

Always preparing for smiling

A smile always waiting to come up

Feeling like the thing that happens before the smile

Or after

Using your arm to wipe off the sweat from your lips before kissing Bill Gates

Knowing that there were no clouds that day, because their eyeballs burnt while looking into the sky

Watching that shitty Sherlock Holmes movie with that guy in it who sucks

Feeling like the entire movie

Because you/it suck

Laughing at the shittiness

Admiring people who laugh for other reasons

Remembering how it felt to put suntan cream on Alexis and kissing her shoulder blades and tasting coconut

Holding coconuts and thinking about killing yourself and asking Peter if he’s hungry

Buying Alexis a blue ring and giving it to her and saying, “Haha I’m not going to marry you” and feeling paralised and saying, “I was joking” and not knowing if you had to get married then

Frowning until she smiled

Thinking it would be pretty cool to be married to Alexis

Thinking, “I would rather be married to Alexis than Peter”

And being married to Peter, actually

Thinking, “I would rather be married to Peter than have a comb over”

And having a comb over, actually

Thinking, “I would rather have a comb over than to have to lie on the beach having my eyeballs burnt out, feeling really depressed and unable to stop anything from happening because I got stung by an octopus”

Hearing how dumb that sounded but accepting that it was real

Feeling like that's just true for everything in a general way

Lying on your back and thinking, “Oh no”

Feeling like a dumb thing happening

Feeling like the dumbest thing that is happening

Saying, “Dumb things happen” and feeling depressed

Thinking,“Blink or you’ll miss it” and feeling depressed

Thinking about a jellyfish and peanut butter sandwich and feeling depressed

Thinking, “I mean an octopus” and feeling ok

Not being sure if you really mean it, though

Any of it

Still feeling depressed, maybe

Thinking about an octopus while rinsing Bill Gates’ underwear in the sink

Thinking about an octopus doing laundry in the sink because Alexis Bledel’s washing machine is broken

Scratching at the egg yolk stuck at the fly in your underwear

Opening the toilet in the airplane bathroom and finding an octopus

Ejaculating onto the octopus and pushing the flush button and seeing everything disappear

Asking the flight attendant for three coffees

Holding Alexis’ hand during the turbulence

Because she asked you to

Feeling pretty sure everything ends

Drinking all three coffees

Feeling like a broken washing machine

Looking forward to the landfill

Feeling fucked up

Looking forward to having purpose

Being 30,000ft in the air and being calm and feeling Peter’s hand holding yours

Scratching at the semen stuck to the crotch stitching in Bill Gates’ underwear

Thinking about that scene in Gilmore Girls  where Dean jerks off onto a pot roast

Thinking that doesn’t seem right but not getting too worried about it

Hearing Alexis burp and smelling coffee

Holding your girlfriend’s hand and feeling fucked

But feeling fucked in a good way

Like the good kind of fucked

Like the kind of fucked that’s early in the night and cuddling under the covers

Buying a pint of strawberries from a fruit stand and thinking about telling the fruit stand guy about having sex with Bill Gates but then not saying anything

Thinking that’s probably fine

Thinking he has enough of his own problems as it is

Wondering whether you think having sex with Alexis Bledel is a problem

Wondering what’s wrong with your brain while eating strawberries in Alexis Bledels’ bed

Wondering how you ended up in her bed

Wondering why you ever left

Wishing you could ask the fruit stand guy how big his penis is

Thinking you could maybe wait until he goes to the bathroom so you could go with him and pee while he pees and try and look at his penis

Then comparing his penis to Bill Gates’ penis

Comparing every penis in the spreadsheet to every other penis in the spreadsheet

Making a rainbow  table of  penises

Walking around with a swagger that tells others that you feel  like you’re fucked but in a good way

Shaking your dick while you pee to make it get a little bigger to help the comparison

Feeling like the dribble of piss hitting the fruit stand guy's shoes

Asking Alexis what growing up in Texas was like after googling Alexis Bledel and seeing she grew up in Houston

Hoping that Alexis Bledel didn’t see you google “Alexis Bledel”

Feeling worried that maybe there’s a different Houston

Asking Alexis Bledel if she’s watched Gilmore Girls

Frowning until she smiles

Feeling bad until someone else feels good

Then feeling good

Asking your girlfriend to shake your penis

Accepting the outcome no matter what she says

Telling yourself that you trust her to make the right decision for your penis

Living in that moment before she reacts

Living infinitely in that moment

But still blinking and missing it

Forgetting whether she shook it or not

Feeling like the infinite light of God refracted in a droplet of piss on the tip of a penis

Asking Peter to tally up the number of times you shook your own penis

Frowning until he smiles

Shooting the shit with St. Peter and asking how many times you’ve watched Gilmore Girls

Laughing as Peter types into the computer with one finger

Tap

Tap

Tap

Tap

Tap tap

Tap tap

Tap

Tap

Click

Laughing as he reads a number a little bit larger than the last time you asked him

Feeling good about Heaven even though it kind of sucks

Laughing as you watch Gilmore Girls

Laughing and feeling this is manageable

Skipping the advert for Windows ‘98

Feeling good about everything even though it all kind of sucks

Texting Peter about each scene and having to pause the episode because you don’t want to miss anything and Peter texts back really slowly

Letting time pass

Jerking off in the airplane bathroom and watching Gilmore Girls  on a Microsoft-branded tablet

Feeling like you’re in a commercial

Feeling like you made it

Feeling like you’re complicit

Feeling like a part of the end of the world

Like a cog that doesn’t matter

But still a cog

Part of the whole

Part of the ash covering the Earth

Part of the infinite droop

Watching three dots on Facebook messenger and laughing about how Peter texts with one finger

Asking Bill Gates to buy Peter an iPhone so he can use Siri

Frowning until he smiles

Wondering where Steve Jobs is

Knowing Steve Jobs is dead and that he’s in Heaven

But not knowing where in Heaven

Not knowing that much about Heaven despite being in Heaven

Knowing he’s not in the cafe

Maybe now?

Knowing that your coffee is still in the cafe because in Heaven no one drinks each other’s coffee and thinking that that is boring, in a friendly way

A good kind of boring

A friends with benefits kind of fucked

Thinking that life is easier just saying what you don’t know

Not knowing if life is easier saying things that you don’t know or saying that there are things you know you don’t know

Same thing

Calling Alexis while crying

Clogging her shower drain

Introducing her to Bill Gates

Going out for breakfast

Looking at a comb over and thinking, “I don’t know”

Looking out your window and seeing Seattle

Thinking, “That looks like Seattle” while looking out your window

Thinking that you couldn’t be sure

Deciding that you didn’t really need to know if it was Seattle or not

Letting it go

Letting Seattle live her life

But still being fucked by Seattle in the ass

No, not really

But…maybe?

No, just joking

Thinking, “Just a little joke for you”

Feeling Alexis feeling uncomfortable

Her frowning until you frown

Then she smiles

Her saying, “Just a little joke for you”

Her telling you about boy problems

Feeling like she’s better than you in every possible way

Despite the problems

Or because of the problems

Feeling good but also bad

Forgetting what “Seattle” means

Then remembering

Getting off the plane and feeling jealous that Alexis had other people over to visit

Trying to figure out a plan for the rest of your life

Looking at those round towers from that Modest Mouse album cover

Feeling like the guitar part at 6:32 in “Teeth Like God’s Shoeshine”

Feeling like a piece of shit dangling from an ass

Feeling like the ass that a piece of shit is dangling from

Feeling like feeling like both of those things at the same time is good in some kind of spiritually significant way

Feeling unsure about whatever it is you’re thinking about whenever you’re thinking about something

Buying a coffee and dropping it on the sidewalk

Feeling like both the coffee and the cup

Feeling like a dumbass for feeling like that

Then feeling normal

Feeling like a person in Seattle

Feeling like Seattle is the asshole and you are the dangling piece of shit

Feeling like your brain is the asshole and everything you know about Seattle is the piece of shit

Feeling like you don’t know much about Seattle

But still tallying up everything else you know about Seattle

Putting it in a spreadsheet

Selling over two million shirts and being indirectly/directly responsible for the deaths of six-hundred and ten people

Getting buried in a T-shirt

Thinking it’s inappropriate to be buried in a T-shirt then thinking, “So what”

Getting drunk and reading from the book of barn poems in front of strangers

Feeling self-conscious about being yourself

Selling a copy of your book of barn poems to Alexis Bledel

Not realizing it’s her

Imagining all the ways you could ever feel good because of Alexis Bledel

Playing hockey with a dog

Writing ba rn poems

Writing non-barn poems about barn poems

Same thing

Three periods

Barking like a goalie

Eating french fries with Milo Ventimiglia at 3 in the morning

Talking so much about yourself that he feels bad

Texting Bill Gates at 5 in the morning

Googling somewhere to go for better french fries

Never going back to the office

Sleeping while drunk

Visiting Bill Gates at his estate and asking to hear about the time he stacked all that paper to show how good his computer was

Listening and feeling good/distracted/same thing

Asking to see the photo on Bill’s MacBook and holding his hand

Feeling how it feels to do that for the first time

Forgetting it isn’t the first time

Saying, “Hey Siri, play the Gilmore Girls soundtrack”

Seeing Peter change the song

Tap

Tap

Tap tap

Tap

Click

Saying, “Hey Siri, how many times have I drunk coffee”

Laughing as Siri types your question with one finger, very quickly

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap

Feeling impressed

Feeling impressed in a friendly way

Thinking maybe it was a cat

Wishing you could remember, so you could sign into Instagram and like Bill Gates’ photo of the stacked paper

Asking Peter what your childhood pet was and Peter refusing to look it up

Calling Peter an asshole and walking to the cafe again

Picking up your coffee but not drinking it because it’s cold and you hate cold coffee

Feeling bad about what you said

All of it

Everything

Every word (Any word?)

Feeling bad about it

Looking at the spreadsheet

Apologizing to Peter

An infinite number of apologies all swirling down from Heaven and onto the Earth

An infinite number of apologies destroying every remaining city

Apologizing for that, too

Feeling sure that you meant it

All of it

Everything

Every word

Pouring apologies down to Earth because why not

Pouring soap in your coffee because why not

Pouring coffee in your soap because why not

Rubbing coffee grounds across your body

Thinking about being like compost, but cold

Being buried in the compost bags you get for free from Starbucks

Realising no one in Seattle takes the bags of compost because no one in Seattle has a garden

Thinking that doesn’t sound right

Thinking it anyway

Pouring orange juice onto Alexis Bledel because why not

Embracing Bill Gates from behind and smelling his hair because why not

Getting maple syrup on your face because why not

Getting avocado on your diaphragm because why not

Getting ripped apart by a giant octopus because why not

Trying not to think about which part of an octopus can sting you

Maybe the ink?

Probably not the ink

Why not

Feeling like two people

Each disappointing the other

Each accepting it for what it is

But each wanting it to be different, maybe

Or not

Being fine with how your life sums up

Appreciating the tally for what it is

But also feeling bad about it

Feeling like you’re two people because this is how two people feel at the same time

Wondering if you’re normal

Accepting that you’re not

Worried that you think of yourself as special, then feeling guilty in an unsustainable way

Skipping breakfast and ordering an espresso to go

Walking past your cold coffee

Throwing yourself out of bed and into a different bed

Crashing a plane into a mountain that looks like your bed

Falling asleep in the wreckage

Falling in love in the wreckage

Waiting for Alexis to die so you can ask her some questions

Asking yourself the same questions

Running out of things to think about

Thinking new things anyway

Pretending you’re in Heaven

Feeling your own skin with the skin on your fingers

Stroking Bill Gates’ thinning hair

Asking him about St. Peter

Letting the sunlight fall languidly on your bare chest while Bill Gates eats an English muffin

Rubbing two crumbs together while he gets ready for work

Watching the crumbs turn into more crumbs

Making new crumbs out of the old crumbs

Contributing to the crumbling

The Infinite crumble

Feeling like a crumb being rubbed against another crumb and turning into more crumbs

Feeling like the new crumbs

Dropping the crumbs in your coffee

Feeling like the new crumbs in the infinite coffee

Trying to drown in the infinite cup of crumbs

Watching Bill Gates bend over

Letting yourself watch

Feeling like Alexis Bledel

Feeling unsure what she’d think about anything

Waiting for the burp

Watching someone rub the world against another world

Watching it turn into crumbs

Smelling coffee but not hearing anything

Watching Peter type with a different finger

But still only one finger

Asking Peter what the name of your childhood pet was but then immediately apologising

And really meaning it

Saying, “That doesn’t sound like a dog’s name”

Peter telling you that he’s off to lunch and that he’ll see you later

Or not

Same thing

Wondering everything, with enough time

Swimming very slowly

Holding your breath and looking for an octopus with your eyes closed

Feeling anxious about not opening your eyes

You think it might be a good thing to tattoo “close my eyes” onto your chest

Thinking if the octopus was in a temperate rainforest, no one would see your tattoo

Cutting your finger on some coral and seeing a shark

Seeing a shark but only feeling disappointed

The shark says, “Not even an ‘Oh no!’”

Not saying anything to the shark and hoping it swims away

Still looking

Finding the wrong things

Feeling interested that your finger is still bleeding

Thinking a shark is not a jellyfish

Saying, “I mean an octopus”

Finally hearing the shark swim away

Feeling bad

Feeling responsible

Same thing

Trying to log into instagram to see photographs of a blue ringed octopus

Wishing you had your MacBook, so you could Google “blue ringed jellyfish”

Did you mean “Blue Ringed Octopus?”

Same thing

Thinking it’s funny that there’s no books in Heaven

Writing “Careful! Octopus!” in braille on your coffee mug to make sure no one drinks your coffee

Hoping someone tries to drink your coffee

Knowing they won’t

But hoping anyway

Feeling that way about a lot of stuff

Then feeling other things

Part of the droop

Part of everything

Part of everything crumbling

Sprinkling the crumbs onto her back

Combing her hair over the crumbs

Thinking about an octopus with a comb over

Thinking about getting into a fist fight with Vincent Paul Kartheiser

Thinking about calling Alexis Bledel “Rory” without realizing it

Thinking about getting your ass kicked by Bill Gates

But in a good way

A way that feels nice

Not even really an ass-kicking

Just snuggling

Pouring coffee on the sheets

Deliberately making mistakes

An infinite number of mistakes

Confusing mistakes for accomplishments

Forgetting more faces than you remember

Forgetting more people than were in your life

Letting your brain do whatever it is it’d do without you

Feeling good about it

Feeling ok or some other way that's similar to ok

Telling people you love them

Buying them coffee

Holding their hands on an airplane

Forgetting you’re not in Heaven

Then forgetting you’re in Heaven

Then forgetting nothing

Remembering it all

Forgetting this is what heaven feels like

Like a manageable sucking

Gentle

Like, in a good way

Having to pick which parts to care about

Not having any of it picked for you

Having to have the final say

Having to tally it all up

Looking at the spreadsheets

Pouring coffee on the spreadsheets

Feeling like the finger Peter uses to type on his MacBook

Feeling like your normal-sized penis tucked into your robe

Feeling the tuck

Feeling like a part of the infinite tuck

Feeling like a part of the infinite tuck that holds everyone down

The end of the Earth but it’s fine

It’s part of the tuck

Accepting you don’t know what normal size is

Accepting you don’t know what normal...anything is...or...something

Understanding normal to you doesn’t mean normal

Feeling normal anyway

Or not not not special

It's whatever

Sweeping off the crumbs

Sweeping yourself off the table

A normal kind of sweeping

A normal walk that says, “I am normal in bed”

A normal sex life that says, “I am normal outside of bed”

Trying to be normal

Not knowing how not to be normal

Accepting it doesn’t matter

But assuming maybe it does

Trying to forget who you are

Trying to turn into crumbs

Feeling unsure if you're ever successful

Thinking, “Heaven is exactly how I expected it to be”

Saying out loud, “I bet Heaven is normal” and hearing Alexis say, “What” and feeling like a comb over

The Infinite comb over

Feeling like the single hair left on the half-eaten English muffin on the bedside table

Soaking up coffee with your robe

Thinking about drinking a small amount of coffee from Alexis Bledel’s navel

Thinking about getting some espresso

Feeling like Bill Gates swimming in a cup of coffee

Feeling like semen in the small moment before it splashes into the toilet water

Feeling like the semen that didn’t get to make you

Feeling like all of the semen that ever came out of anyone

Feeling soaked up

Feeling fucked

Forever

Never, ever happy

Not once

But feeling fine

Feeling like breaking up with Bill Gates

Wasting water in the shower

Thinking about drainage gates

Feeling bloated from breakfast

Feeling like the maple syrup in her hair

And feeling like that’s good

Like it feels right

Because it feels right

Because you put it there

And it’s yours

And you can take it back any time you want

But never taking it back

Feeling every way you can possibly feel

Because you have an infinite number of moments to feel

Feeling bad that that’s all you have to look forward to

Looking forward to it/feeling distracted/good/fucked/etc.

Trying to put it in a book to make sense of it

Not making any sense of it

Because you can’t

Because it’s true

And that sucks

The Infinite “because” vs.  the Infinite “why”

Dissociating while maintaining eye contact

Blinking

Pushing potatoes around on your plate

Not thinking up an answer

Letting the “why” just be there

Part of the cafe

Part of your life

Frowning until she smiles

Then smiling